BY // GRAHAM STEINBERG
After a massive Michael Bay-style montage of military vehicles and helicopters, Vin Diesel lands on an Italian beach with his squad. He leads the group like they’ve just come out of high school football practice while his girlfriend (whose face we don’t fully see until Toby Kebbell puts a bolt pistol through it) waits for him. An aviator-wearing Diesel turns back and says “That’s what we’re fighting for boys!” as all his friends grunt nonsensically in response. They then drive up the Amalfi Coast for some reason and make love in a hotel. That evening, his shirtless girlfriend (whose face we still don’t see) says “I don’t like the stories your scars tell” to which Diesel responds “the story they tell is that I come home.” More lovemaking. The next morning Diesel wakes up and is pretty quickly subdued and kidnapped. Every shot is a closeup and I’m beginning to feel nauseous. Toby Kebbell dances in a down puffer coat while surrounded by large hocks of curing prosciutto. The song Psycho Killer plays on the radio in case it wasn’t obvious enough already that he is, in fact, a psycho killer.
Vin, of course, asks: “who are you?"
Toby (who really isn’t making the comeback he hoped for after Fantastic Four) says “I’m the guy who ruined your vacation. My name is Martin X.” And then I shut it off. It had been ten minutes.