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21 Questions on the Topic of Goat-birth

BY LEX PRYOR// On Dec. 12 Memphis-rapper Kevo Muney dropped his most recent mixtape and it is, uh, well… it is something. Grabbing the attention of the music world at this time year is a near herculean task for most artists. Writers at outlets like Pitchfork and Rolling Stone have already curated their “Best ___ Of The Year” lists, and listeners are increasingly focused on the holidays and family. Attracting ears in this environment is virtually impossible for fledgling artists. But Muney seems to have found a cheat code.


Titled “Baby G.O.A.T.” his mixtape is a 9-track journey through the mind of a man who beat the odds and is now living out his dream in relative comfort. Or at least that’s what I gleamed from the track-list. In truth I have no idea what potential magic resides inside the mixtape’s contents — I haven’t listened to a single word of it.


No, what I am here for has nothing to do with Kevo Muney’s music and everything to do with his album artwork. In particular, the fact that on the cover of this glorious mixtape there is an image depicting an actual goat giving birth to an actual human male. And that simply must be investigated. So I am here, with a few questions (21 to be exact), hoping to get to the bottom of this:


#1.

Why does the female goat have a chain? Is it her chain? Was it gifted to her? Goats don’t have hands so there’s no way they are capable of crafting metal.


#2.

Is the male goat who is staring lovingly in the background, the father? He seems to be pretty calm over the fact that his goat companion (I don’t want to assume goats are solely monogamous) is birthing a non-goat child. Maybe I’m projecting a bit but if my goat-life partner gave birth to a child who was A WHOLE OTHER SPECIES I think I’d be a tad bit disturbed.


#3.

May we have a little goat-on-goat cuckolding going on? If that goat in the background isn’t the goat-father (I’m sorry I just couldn’t stop myself), who is? Is the real father a man or a goat? We need to know the extent of these goat relationship(s).


#4.

Why is the mother-goat giving birth to a fully-grown man? Listen I don’t know a ton about the pregnancy process, but I don’t think they’re supposed to come out like that.


#5.

Also why does the man-baby have a perfect edge up? We have two options. Either, there had to be a barber operating inside of that momma-goat or the man-baby had to have some hair clippers tucked away somewhere. The only other explanation is that he’s just the Paul George of man-babies.


#6.

Did the man-baby give the goat-mother the chain? I’m sorry I keep harping on this whole chain thing, but we have to know. Do they even have jewelers in this goat society? Pawn shops? And how could she put it on if she only has hooves?


#7.

Why is there a human doctor tending to this goat-lady? Taken with the fact that she seems to be birthing a human-male I feel like it’s a pretty safe conclusion to assume that they live in a dual human-goat society. Life truly does find a way.


#8.

How did the goat-mother fit a grown man inside her? I’m not trying to be “that guy” who questions the feasibility of a goat giving birth to a fully grown human but, seriously, how is she holding a person who is probably larger than her own body inside of her goat uterus?


#9.

Where is this hospital located? Just asking for a friend.


#10.

Do they not have goat clothing? Because it seems like the goat-couple were just given some human hospital clothes.


#11.

And going off of that who runs this hospital? Humans? Goats? Do they have an inclusive hiring process? Is there a species disparity on staff? It’s STEM so they’re probably keeping somebody out.


#12.

Why does the man-baby also have a chain? Listen, I’m sorry but this is just impossible. No baby could ever come out with this much drip. I know somebody in that room threw that chain on homie. Probably as he was crowning. My bets on the dad, he looks like a rabble-rouser.


#13.

What language do these goats speak? I’m willing to suspend disbelief on the whole “goat gave birth to grown human man” thing, but I need to know how momma-goat’s chain is written in English? Do they speak English? Who taught them?


#14.

Where is the placenta? I apologize, but someone had to say it. Childbirth simply cannot be this clean.


#15.

Only one pillow for the goat-mom? She’s pumping out the equivalent of like 10 babies, all at once. We really can’t help her out with an extra pillow?


#16.

Along the same lines, no meds? I don’t see an IV or anything attached to the momma goat. What a G.


#17.

How does this connect to the album? Will we have interludes feating the happy parents? Will they “bleet” or do they speak the king’s English? Very important.


#18.

Does the father-goat have grills in his teeth? Hear me out. At first, I just thought that goat dad was smiling because he was the proud father of what may or may not be the world’s first human-goat-hybrid man-baby. But then I looked closer and I realized that papa-goat definitely has some shine coming from his teeth. Probably a Pimp C fan (RIP).


#19.

Do they not have nurses in this hospital? It looks like it’s just the two goat-parents and a human doctor. This facility really couldn’t afford to hire anyone else to lend a hand?


#20.

Back to the doctor for a bit. Is he trying to birth a fully-grown human adult by just tugging at it? Again, I’m not expert on childbirth but I don’t think that’s how it works.


#21.

Why did I write a thousand words about goats? Yeah, I’m starting to realize I have a problem.



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